Why Asking Is a Non-Negotiable Leadership Skill

Asking for resources, recognition, or support is a core leadership skill because it is the gateway to influence, impact, and sustainable success. For women, it is often the difference between being seen as competent and being valued accordingly.  

At BIA, we teach that asking is not a sign of neediness but a strategic act of ownership. It signals your clarity of vision, confidence in your contribution, and the courage to claim what is required to deliver results. Female leaders face a significant degree of adversity. For example, the likability penalty explains that women need to decide between being liked and being respected- something that shouldn't, but often is, in opposition to each other. This struggle can result in women not being heard when asking to meet their needs, ultimately leaving us "to do more with less". It's a crucial leadership skill to ask. Not only can she advance her own objectives, but she can also reshape organisational norms, modelling empowered negotiation for others.

 Ultimately, mastering the art of asking builds resilience and strategic visibility. It reinforces boundaries and challenges the silent assumptions that often limit women's progress. Asking is not transactional; it's transformational.

Preparing Yourself for High-Stakes Negotiations

The best way to mentally and strategically prepare for a difficult negotiation is to build absolute clarity, control, and composure before you even enter the room. We teach that preparation begins with anchoring yourself: managing your mindset, regulating anxiety, and reframing the conversation from "I hope this goes well" to "I am leading this discussion with intention". 

Strategically, it means defining the frame of the conversation. You can prepare yourself with well-established tools that enable you to negotiate from a point of clarity and security. For example, preparing your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), knowing your reservation point, and establishing a target — each backed up with evidence, metrics, and aligned organisational benefits.  

Mentally, it requires rehearsing your narrative and researching your counterpart. Effective preparation includes mapping the counterpart's interests, constraints, and pressures. Negotiate based on insight, rather than assumption. When you combine strategic clarity with psychological readiness, you step into the negotiation with a grounded and credible stance.

Emotional Intelligence as a Strategic Advantage

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to understand, manage, and use emotions; your own and those of others. When applied correctly, EI supports better decision-making, stronger relationships, and more positive outcomes. It is a highly rated skill in negotiations to manage the other party and oneself.  

EI transforms negotiation from a transactional exchange into a strategic conversation where clarity, connection, and even influence work together. EI is not about being "nice"; it is about being effective. For female leaders, who are often navigating both gendered expectations and high-stakes environments, EI becomes a powerful differentiator. It enables you to read non-verbal cues, recognise shifts in tone or pacing, and sense when the other party is overwhelmed, resistant, or open… long before they say it out loud. This insight enables you to calibrate your approach: slow down when needed, reframe proposals, or surface hidden concerns, all of which reduce friction and increase alignment. 

High EI also strengthens self-management: it helps you regulate frustration, avoid over-justifying your value, and stay anchored in your goals rather than being thrown off by, for example, pressure tactics or micro-biases. It transforms emotional triggers into data, giving you a clearer perspective and more control over the negotiation dynamic.  

Importantly, EI fosters trust when people feel understood. When trust is established during a negotiation, people share more information and are more open to collaboration, as opposed to a hostile and competitive game with the opposing party. This creates options that are more creative, more valuable, and more sustainable for both parties. Ultimately, EI elevates your presence and leads to outcomes that are not only favourable but mutually reinforcing — a core principle of the BIA approach to empowered negotiation. 

The Power of Balancing Assertiveness and Empathy

Balancing assertiveness with empathy in high-stakes conversations means holding your ground without losing your humanity. Assertiveness ensures you communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations clearly. Empathy ensures you do so in a way the other person can hear you and accept what you say. For women, this balance is especially powerful because it counters the "too soft/too aggressive" double bind.  

The key is to separate the message from the delivery: you stay firm on the content (your value, your conditions, your objectives) while adapting the tone to maintain connection, dignity, and respect. You demonstrate that you understand the counterpart's pressures and constraints, but you do not minimise your own. This combination increases trust, reduces resistance, and positions you as both credible and collaborative. In a nutshell, assertiveness protects your interests; empathy protects the relationship.

Negotiating from Confidence, Not Apology

Negotiating from confidence rather than apology requires a deliberate shift in mindset, language, and preparation. For women and underrepresented leaders, this shift is twice as powerful because it directly counters systemic bias as well. Every person who sits at the table of negotiations has an interest in doing so. No one is doing you a favour by negotiating with you. It is a mentality of conscious self-worth: knowing your value, and grounding your ask in measurable outcomes rather than personal worth.  

Another key strategy is language discipline. Eliminate minimisers ("just," "maybe," "sorry") and replace them with concise, assertive statements that reflect ownership. Everybody can rehearse this: practising your narrative, your numbers, and your pauses so you don't default to over-explaining under pressure.  

Finally, trust in your BATNA and reservation point because it gives you structural confidence. It reframes your mindset: you are not hoping for approval, you are choosing between viable options. Together, these strategies allow women and underrepresented leaders to step into negotiation with intentionality, clarity, and authority, transforming the dynamic from "seeking permission" to exercising leadership.

When Negotiation Transforms Relationships

Throughout my 20+ year corporate finance career, I have encountered numerous situations where negotiation skills have been fundamental. Other than multi-million M&A and commercial deals that I closed, it is the collection of long-standing business relationships that I truly value.  

As a negotiator, the biggest compliment is when the opposing party contacts me after the deal to do business together, especially when they initially had strongly adverse interests. It attests to my capacities to hold boundaries respectfully and bring my professionalism across — and that is the key to a successful negotiation for me.  

How Leaders Can Model Healthy, Empowered Negotiation

Leaders model healthy negotiation by turning it into a visible, consistent part of how they communicate, make decisions, and set boundaries. In the BIA philosophy, this begins with transparency. Specifically, explaining not only what the outcome of the negotiation was but also how you did it: the preparation, the strategy, and the alignment of interests. When teams see a leader negotiate, staying factual under pressure, not apologising for their demands, and advocating for resources with clarity rather than hesitation, they internalise that behaviour as normal rather than exceptional. 

Leaders who model healthy negotiations also demonstrate how boundaries are placed and upheld. This includes saying no without guilt, pausing before agreeing, and asking questions that clarify expectations. Leaders who negotiate thoughtfully demonstrate that holding your ground is not a sign of conflict; it's a sign of professionalism. They also create psychological safety by encouraging their teams to raise concerns, request support, or challenge assumptions without fear of repercussions. 

Katharina Dalka is the CEO and founder of London-based StellarOne Ltd, a strategy and investment advisory firm in tech, and training women in negotiations through BIA by StellarOne.

She is also co-founder and Chairwoman of Swiss fintech DYDON AI, which offers AI-driven regulatory assessments. A German native, she started her career in Paris, managing the post-merger integration of Air France-KLM IT departments, then built Teknowlogy’s European Corporate Development Practice before moving to London to become Head of Corporate Development at Technology Fast500 company MotorK. Fluent in English, French, and German (and conversant in Spanish, Italian, and Moroccan Arabic), she is a Yale, Stanford, and Black Swan Group-trained negotiator, advising companies and investors in Europe, Africa, and the US.

On Substack, BIA by StellarOne shares evidence-based insights, practical tools, and frank conversations about how women lead and negotiate today.